“I could be a couple to ten different versions of someone else. But why should I, when I’m privileged to be the best version of myself? After all, in the end, I’m just another you” – Mazel J
Tweet
For a very long time, I’ve had innumerable scenarios of what I could be or what form of someone else would make me better. I’ve thought and over thought the same thing for a time I’ve lost track of. Though I was confident and content in myself, there would always be that minute thing I would want to pick up from somebody else to be happier.
Basically, I only assumed I can never be complete.
I’m aware that it’s selfish beginning it all with me. I genuinely would’ve begun with how beautiful Unicorns are or how insanely huge the Instagram community is, but I need, and more importantly WANT to start off with how challenging it has been for me to overcome self aversion and accept myself wholeheartedly. And I know for a fact that almost everyone goes through the same pathetic phase.
I can proudly say ‘Been there, done that!’, when it comes to dismissing yourself because you can’t really see a perfect version of yourself. It took me a while to understand that being imperfect, in itself, is ideal. I’m sure, like me, even you must’ve heard or read this more than a thousand times now, and it wasn’t until I did some serious introspection that I actually caught the floating gist of it.
I used to want to receive a certain validation from people – A validation wherein I’m appreciated and acknowledged. But you know what? The only validation that is important is yours to you. Unless you approve of who you are and how you are, no big compliment or small insult is going to matter.
In Alessia Cara’s words, there’s “No better you than the you that you are”, and she couldn’t be any more right about that. You could go around wanting to be like any damn person in this world, but you’re eventually going to end up missing out on being yourself. I totally agree that we live in a world that aims on providing their certification of opinion on almost everything and everyone, especially the social platform, but why in God’s name should we accept it and have the senseless opinion pinned on the walls of our mind? Why should we wait and rejoice for the one compliment that will fill us for one moment and leave us wanting more for the next? Why go through the constant torture when we can just be appreciative of ourselves?
It wasn’t easy at all for me either, to just wake up one day and pat myself on the back. It wasn’t like in the blink of an eye I realized how important I was to myself.
As young girls, or boys, we grow up looking up to certain people and set them as a benchmark for our development. The growing number of Instagram bloggers and models do not help either. It makes it all very easy for criticism – self and outer, to seep in and I get that.
Coming from a Goan background that is stereotypically very wild and cheery and open, I had to deal with various forms of mentalities over a single topic. That basically is dealing with a thousand opinions on a hell load of matters. Initially I would beat myself up and strive hard to take in every opinion or criticism and gel according to it. But once I claimed an understanding of my own, I asked myself only one question – Are these people going to be responsibly living the outcome of my decisions, or is it going to be me?
Neither am I holding offence nor insinuating anything against anyone, but the mere fact that we let everyone else hold a dominant opinion in our lives, is plain stupid and nerve wracking. All words and thoughts are meaningless, unless we choose to give a meaning to it. It’s not unless we give it the power it requires, that it becomes a weapon. And not everyone realizes this.
The major obstruction in my happiness was that I’d compare everyone’s positives to my negatives. That in itself was a HUGE loss of energy for me. The fact that I’d disregard my capabilities and strengths, and focus only on the negatives made me sulk and want to hibernate in my own skin. I failed to comprehend the number of blessings in my name, but would successfully count that of others. Human Nature or not, it was something that needed strong amendment.
I’ve been genuinely blessed in every sense or matter. The journey to discovering this though, has been that of many tears and inner struggle. No one really knew this version of me except a few, and to be honest, I didn’t even want many knowing this to prevent their judgment from coming through. I was keen on being quiet and showing everyone that I’m so happy and confident with myself, when in fact I was not. I was tired of not being recognized or understood. I was tired of being generalized as just another person who will get over this phase. I WAS TIRED.
I’m tired now as well, but there’s an enormous difference between both types. The tired I feel now is positive because I’ve learnt to channel that negativity into something worthwhile. And I’m proud of the fact that I learnt this myself. I’m proud of being able to come out of each silent cry and smile aloud now.
And that’s what I want to express to each one of you as well. There’s never going to be anyone who can pull you out of your misery or change your perspective on things unless you force yourself to do it. Everyone you know may cheer you and try to influence you, but it’s going to go to trash if you don’t give yourself that chance.
No one understands you better than yourself, and no one ever will. Even if you take the case of having a partner, he/she is still not going to see through your complexity unless you are transparent with yourself. The moment you begin to tick your boxes, is when the world will change accordingly. Love yourself and chant it aloud, only then will the world join in the chorus.
You can be anyone who, like me, loves writing, dancing, music, caffeine, French fries and ice cream, or you can be anyone who likes the opposite of it all. But the underlying reality is going to be the same, which is ‘I’m as You, as You are Me’. We can be categorized into various categories, and yet be the same people undergoing the same phase of life, only in different situations or conditions. We only need guidance and a little encouragement to overcome a mentality and thrive in doing what we love.
Certain people immediately know in what direction they need to go in, or how they need to develop in aspects needed to succeed. But for people like you and me, we need a little sunshine thrown our way to guide us on the rocky path. We need a wakeup call to remind us what our worth is in this big world, and what we need to take back from it.
To make it simpler, and sort of start off with one step at a time, you can follow the ritual which I did:
- Wake up and be grateful for the day
- Whine about wanting to sleep more
- Move your butt and have some coffee
- Spend at least an hour the entire day doing something that makes you happy (that way even if you do go to bed crying, you can at least commend yourself for trying)
- Eat good food (which involves a lot of chocolates and ice cream as well – jk)
- Say your prayers and thank the Lord for making you who you are
- Go to bed with the thought that no matter what, you’re happy and that’s enough for now
It’s definitely not much, but it is something to keep you going in the direction you are meant to. One way or another, you will end being where you are supposed to be, provided you put in effort as well. You can whine and cry for as long as you can, but it’s not going to get you anywhere. Unless of course you want to end up with having the record for tremendous sore and puffy eyes, then please by all means, chase that dream!
I’ve learnt from experience that not everyone is going to be there for you and appreciate you for being yourself, and like I’ve said before, you don’t even need them. You need yourself and maybe a stuffed bear by your side to keep you strong. You are the most unique person in every sense, so don’t tarnish that image by choosing bits and pieces of duplicity. Don’t aim on becoming someone that you might only end up repelling more than you did for yourself initially.
You are fabulous being just the way you are, and doing whatever it is you’re doing. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise or refrain from believing in the stardust you create. You love yourself, and that’s a win in itself for you. Wink at yourself in the mirror for being the best damn person in this world, because if you don’t, there won’t be anyone else doing it for you.
mazelogue 